What Moment In Your Life Felt The Most Vulnerable To You?

**Trigger warning: Sexual assault/suicidal discussion.**

Vulnerability scares me because it’s bringing parts of yourself that have been in the dark for so long, to light. They’ve been in the dark because they brought darkness to you, a heaviness inside that sunk itself down because it was too heavy to hold.

When you’re vulnerable it feels like a big spotlight is being pointed directly at something you aren’t even sure how it will be understood because to some degree you also don’t understand it. For me, I was scared to bring this occurrence because in my eyes it belonged and lived only in my thoughts and words not out in the world for anyone else to see.

I knew dragging it up would cause it to latch on to every thought, feeling, and memory that come along with it that’s been boiling for years. But I decided myself to pack it up out of the darkness and present it to the light to free it from my body. I decided this because I didn’t get to decide when this event occurred int he first place.

My most vulnerable moment was when I was able to voice I had been sexually assaulted by a close friend of mine at the time.

It was July 21, 2021. I remember what I was wearing. I remember being unafraid. I remember being at ease with myself. A group of my friends decided to go out that night. We were drinking, having fun, and catching up. The last thing I fully remember is standing beside him and accepting a drink from him, and the rest of the night is in small flashes. I remember leaving and almost not being able to stand, being slumped over asleep in the car and seeing him next to me, and waking up to the act itself being done. Several therapists believed I was drugged, but I will never know.

I remember the morning after waking up so scared, confused, and in shock. My body couldn’t move, I felt so disconnected from my body, I couldn’t think, and all I wanted was for him to leave so I could cry. His first words that morning were, “wow I’ve always wanted to do that.” To which I felt my stomach drop when he said that. Historically though, I already knew that. He had asked me multiple times drunk and sober to “do that” and each time I said no which is why I was so disturbed when I was awoken that morning.

I struggled with what happened for a long time, trying to justify what happened (as most women do). Maybe it was my fault? Maybe I was just drunk? Maybe I was to blame? But the way I felt in my body told me otherwise. A gut feeling from that day on told me something was wrong and I did not listen to that feeling for a long time. It takes a lot of self trust to accept something like this and I still have days I have to remind myself I am not to blame.

You can only ignore your thoughts for so long before your body will catch up. I started having awful panic attacks, compulsions of feeling dirty/showering multiple times a day, I was google people’s stories of their sexual assault experience to see if there was any correlations to mine, I would have nightmares, I would disassociate, I would binge drink more than I ever have, and I was so angry.

Overtime all of these things build up and almost a year later I tried to take my life. I was too overwhelmed by it all and the ignoring and pushing down made it all come out in a moment of rage. I broke. I wanted to feel some relief, and I wanted to now feel those disgusting feelings it made me feel. Through that experience was when I truly understood this for what it was. Rape is not always from strangers. I have had a lot of lessons between then and now and I wanted to share my experience for me and as a way to finally release this 3 years later. I hurt for the girl I was when this happened that was too trusting, had low self worth, was scared to speak, and would avoid the uncomfortable situations for the sake of other people. But this is far from who I am now and I’m speaking for her now.

To the person who did this:

You are a rapist. And I can confidently say that. You created the hardest time in my life, and were almost the cause of the end of it. What you did clouded so many good days and moments because of the deep fear and anger that resided in my body. I was taken advantage of when I wasn’t awake or coherent enough to lift my head up in the car. You are sick and you know what you did. It was a deliberate act of evil that you’ve been plotting for years. To pick the quiet, vulnerable girl of the group and wait until she’s unconscious. I have decided to let go of this whole situation as it deserves no more of my time, you deserve no more of my time. The woman I am now is speaking for the girl you did this to because that girl was strong enough to keep going so I could get here today. The difference between you and I is, I can move on in good conscious knowing I grew stronger for this, but you cannot say the same. I’ve taken back everything you took from me, and you and that experience hold no power over me anymore. Also, the Dallas police have your name, address, phone number, and photo in case you decide to ever be this malicious again. :)

If this story resonates with you there are resources that you can use if you’re ready. Your experience is true, and you can speak up.

https://rainn.org/resources

https://www.nsvrc.org/find-help