What Are Signs Your Avoidance Is Being Triggered?

Avoidance is something that I’ve noticed a lot of people experience. It’s hard to catch because the visceral reactions to detach can sometimes just feel like your normal. I didn’t notice my own avoidance as much until I got into relationships. When I get into relationships, it’s inevitable for my own avoidance to be triggered because a whole separate person is going to have things to say, needs, feelings, and emotions..scary right? So, my avoidance is definitely triggered by relationships in general. 

I noticed this was an issue for me when I would feel myself pushing people away when there was a feeling of being close, an issue that arose, or I had something I wanted to say. I didn’t enjoy closeness, disclosing much about myself, or resolving any tension. I simply wanted to pretend it wasn’t there because I thought it was easier. 

To dissect the bigger idea of being triggered by relationships, I have understood my avoidance a bit more over time, and I do notice when I am leaning more into that avoidant side of myself that likes to run away and hide under a rock. 

Things I notice trigger my avoidance: talking about any problem whatsoever, talking about something I did wrong, talking about changes in life, talking about something I need, and talking about an emotionally charged topic. 

So when any of these things inevitably happen, because they will happen in a relationship, what happens next? I feel a body response of shutting down, I notice my responses are shorter and can be more snappy, I feel my stomach turn in a knot, I feel my brain turning off, I push people away, I neglect my emotions, I feel irritated, I want to be alone, and I don’t want to talk deeply. 

It is not a good experience, and it feels annoying honestly when it happens. I do wish I could just appropriately have these conversations when they arise, but I need time. Using time with my avoidance is what keeps me from falling into avoiding the topic completely. 

Now, how do we take the typical avoidance response of peacing out of the conversation completely and turn it into something not terrible? Set time parameters with your partner. It must suck to feel like someone who’s supposed to listen to you just says I”m not having this conversation. So, meeting in the middle works for me, because I am getting a few minutes to catch my breath and relax and my partner is getting the conversation they want. I take anywhere from 15 minutes-2 hours. The key here is TELLING THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING TO THAT YOU WILL BE BACK. No one can read your mind, and thank god for that because when I’m experiencing an avoidant moment my mind is not very kind. 

When you take yourself out of the equation and realize the space you’re creating with avoidance, it has made me take a step back and reflect. When I am choosing to not engage in something to fix, address, de-escalate, and not communicate the space I’m creating for the other person looks like this: it creates a lot of uncertainty of when the conversation will be resolved, it creates emotional distance and confusion, it creates unclear communication patterns, it creates anxiety from unresolved issues, it creates tension from not communicating your responses, and it creates fear in someone else to bring up any topics with you. 

Personally, I don’t want my triggers to be an excuse for damaging behavior. I want to be a good partner, friend, and person and I don’t want my avoidance to be a trait I typically associate with. While it may be my go to reaction, I can choose what to do with what comes up regarding feeling avoidant. I can lean into it and try to learn from the experience, or I can do the opposite. And one side definitely feels better than the other.