What Am I Avoiding By Trying To Escape My Mind?

I have found over the course of my life that each time I’m avoiding something I know I need to address with myself, my minds first response it to escape. When I was younger, I associated avoiding and escaping as an easier method of “dealing” with things, but as I’ve grown older I have found it will catch up with you and to address things head on. It really all starts with being honest with yourself. 

For a long time, the main thing I dealt with was drinking to escape. On a surface level, I believed I just had a problem handling my alcohol appropriately and in a healthy way. But with many things in life, there’s always something deeper under the surface. After becoming sober from alcohol two years ago, I discovered alcohol was the mechanism of escapism, but what I was really trying to avoid was the severity of my low self esteem. 

I figured this was my method of escape when I cut it out, and the “issue” of alcohol was gone but I could hear all of my thoughts so clearly. When I got that barrier out of the way was when there was really no escaping. I didn’t have any means of avoiding this topic and so becoming sober was really a means to addressing this really big issue within myself. 

I could clearly hear how hateful I spoke to myself, the lack of self compassion I had when I was dealing with something, the distrust in myself, and the lack of care I had for myself all together. This itself was a journey to uncover where it came from, how to redirect it, and finding healthy measures to work on this problem. 

Over the course of 2 years, I can say that the health of my self esteem is undoubtedly better. However, on the topic of avoiding and escapism it is interesting how when you conquer one thing those old behaviors can still linger. Which speaks to my previous statement about everything can always go a little deeper. 

As my answer drifts from when I was drinking to how this question relates after quitting alcohol, it’s interesting to reflect. It’s interesting, because to some degree it’s still the same answer just in different circumstances. While I have the experience and information to share what avoidance and escapism is during alcohol and to share what I know from the point of view, sharing this one is a bit different. 

The thing I have seen carry over into my sober life has not been so much my self-hate, but the idea of disliking myself for so long seems to have gone deeper into my core than I realized. I see this mostly with accepting love from others. I have practiced and reprogrammed my own mind to love and appreciate myself, but I have found that after conquering this I notice my longing for escapism and avoidance does become more noticeable when I’m receiving outside love. 

While this answer isn’t tied up in a pretty bow with a solution, it is something I am aware of and am compassionately allowing myself to work on. It’s a vulnerable answer, because it’s in real time too. The foundation of having worked on how I speak to myself is helping tremendously, but as an unconscious agreement of believing I was terrible for a long time is ingrained in what I view I deserve. Things you allow for many years can be difficult to catch and redirect, but even though this situation is a work in progress for me I believe in progress over perfection.  Facing things head on is the only way through anything you want to change.