5 Things To Think About After Being Reactive

When I was reflecting and understanding reactivity deeper, I found this definition, “The intensity and urgency of emotional responses to a situation, indicating how strongly a person reacts to different situations.” 

I also want to make it clear that I’m not talking about abusive scenarios. I'm not an expert and I’m not touching on that. I’m talking about responding to something someone says or a response you may have to certain situations and solely going off emotional responses, if you make snippy comments immediately, if you explode if something doesn’t work out for you, or if you jump to conclusion before asking questions if something makes you mad. 

I think the best indicator of changing a behavior first comes with reflecting on the behavior that makes you feel further from who you want to be. While reflection and introspection is good, the answers you get from these questions can lead you to actions to take to make changes. 

What led up to me reacting? 

What it does: When I began reflecting on my reactivity, I started paying attention to when I found myself in a higher emotional state. If you can learn what situations, time of days, time of months, or circumstances lead you to being more reactive it allows you to be more aware of it. When you’re aware of it, you can catch those feelings before you become reactive to calm yourself down before you lose the ability to do that. 

Action: I have kept mood calendars before, create one for 1 month to see around what times you find yourself more reactive. Maybe it’s when you are in your luteal phase of your period, or in the morning/evening, or when you are around certain people. 

Did that response line up with who I want to be? 

What it does: When you have an idea of who you want to be, the things that don’t line up with that person allows you to see what you can work on. When you are reactive, what are you saying, doing, and feeling that makes you feel out of alignment? For me, it was screaming, getting frustrated because I wanted something, or saying something mean in a time of irritation. I didn’t like those things so I wanted to know who I did want to be so I had some direction to switch the narrative towards what I did want. 

Action: Write out who you do want to be so you know when you’re doing something that shows you who you don’t want to be. 

What emotions did I feel before I blew up??

What it does: In order to create prevention strategies, you have to recognize a few steps ahead before you get to a place you can’t get back from. For me, I start feeling myself begin to over-think and get frustrated in my head/mind first, then I get snippy/short in my responses, and when it gets into my body and I feel it in my chest I know I am getting into a place that is harder for me to get out of when it comes to emotional reactivity. Learn your steps that lead up to reactivity so you can prevent blow ups. 

Action: I have emotion tracking apps I use for this, similar to the question above you can see what days/times you feel more emotionally charged to prepare and prevent getting to a place of reactivity. 

Was this response appropriate? 

What it does: Sometimes, not all the time, an emotionally charged response is appropriate. If you are being disrespected, you are defending yourself, or something bad happened that’s different. If it wasn’t, ask yourself how you would’ve liked to respond and what you can do differently next time, assessing behavior and responses keeps you in line with you true self.

Action: Write out your response to what happened, and how it made you feel. On the other side of the paper write out the response that you would’ve liked to have. When you feel reactive next time, you can use the response you would’ve like to in the moment, to help you out. 

What do I need to do once I get settled again??

What it does: As someone who has had spurts of emotional reactivity it feels really crumby afterwards. Giving yourself grace to acknowledge, apologize, and do better next time is all you can do. You’re human and as long as it’s not justified, abusive, or avoidant you are growing and being human. 

Action: In a space of clarity and calmness, create a plan of grounding back into yourself that you know work for you. It’s hard to come up with these when you do feel emotional so knowing what does help you in times of high emotion is a load you can take off yourself when you feel this way.