5 Step Avoidance Activity
Today we are playing a little self discovery game. We’re going to “finish the sentence” about our avoidance. I’ll give you options to make it more fun, and I’ll share my answers to see if you relate. As over-thinkers, it’s so easy to think so deeply to a point of fault about questions about ourselves. So, that part is taken out of today, in order to think more calmly and clearly about these answers you only have 4 to choose from.
I know sometimes journaling about sensitive topics can be a lot, and if it is, here is a stepping stone before you choose to get deeper. That’s a great reminder if self reflection is overwhelming, don’t try to do it all at once-take small steps because they will add up.
If you’re reading this and you’re avoidant, I know the feeling of wanting to click out of anything that brings up something uncomfortable. I know this increases the overthinking and maybe a feeling of guilt from avoidant behaviors in the past. I encourage you to release yourself of overthinking, and use this activity as a fun way to understand yourself better instead of over-think it and be unkind to yourself.
So since you’re probably reading this on your phone, take a minute with yourself, there's no one around but you (how we like it) and answer these questions to see how you feel.
Time to play! You already won because there’s no wrong answers, only finding answers for who you are.
I withdraw from others because…
I haven’t noticed that I do this
I feel like I have to in order to feel better
It is all I know
I don’t
For this question, I would choose B. When I find myself withdrawing from people it is because I know that I recharge and don’t have a lot of stimuli alone, therefore, I feel like in order to feel better I must get away from something whether it is a person or a problem.
To this, I would say withdrawing or taking a moment is okay as long as you’re communicating with your partner or the person on the other side of this conundrum. But I’d also challenge this when you start withdrawing and going into your shell, you can ask for help. It might feel strange and vulnerable, but more than likely you will get help and realize you don’t have to do all the crazy feelings alone.
When people try to connect with me, I usually feel…
A.Anxious
B. Comforted
C. Cautious
D. Closed off
For this question, I would choose D. When I feel people getting close to me I do notice I close off a bit. As of now, I would say I have done a lot of work on myself, and it truly is not from avoidance but about wanting to surround myself with the right people. I enjoy connecting with people, but I want to be surrounded by healthy people that want to grow.
However, I would say this answer still holds true when I was more avoidant as well. From this angle, I was closed off because I didn’t want people to know me because at the time I probably didn’t like myself and didn’t want to be seen by others. There are always layers to avoidance and why we choose to avoid and this was the layer it was at for me at that time.
My biggest fear in relationships would be…
A.Getting hurt
B. Being used
C. Being left
D. I don’t have fears in relationship
For this question, I would choose A. I think any type of relationship can be really vulnerable, and maybe sometimes what seems protective like avoidance is keeping us from having fulfilling relationships. By being afraid of being hurt and feeling the feelings that come with being hurt, maybe I use avoidance to fulfill that fear.
You can only meet someone as deep as they’ve met themselves, and when you only allow yourself to share the surface pieces of yourself it is hard to go deeper. The way this serves avoidance is that by only allowing myself to be known to a shallow extent, no one can hurt me. But this fear really doesn’t keep me from being hurt, it keeps me from having fulfilling relationships in my life and that is not what I want.
A healthy balance between closeness and independence in a relationship looks like….
A.Perfect
B. Confusing
C. A lot of work
D. Impossible
For this question, I would choose C. Just an honest answer, because my avoidance is a tough dance to work with sometimes. A healthy balance between closeness and independence initially feels to me like a big sacrifice on my end. I tend to feel as though when I become close with someone, I have to forfeit my independence and alone time. However, while it can be a lot of work it doesn’t have to be.
I have found that closeness to someone and independence can be a nice balance. The key to finding that balance is really trial and error and talking about it. For me, I do need my alone time so I announce when I want to be alone, and guess what? I get that alone time. And when my partner wants to be close again, guess what? She announces it, and gets the closeness. This balance comes to fruition by speaking on what you want, and if it’s not what someone else wants you find a point to meet in the middle.
When there is conflict in relationships I respond by…
A.Shutting down
B. I have to know everything right now
C. A panic attack
D. I leave
For this question, I would choose A. As aware of my avoidance as I may be, awareness does not always mean a light switch to being a perfect person. When there is any type of conflict my initial reaction is always to shut down. Now, I know that is my first response so when I feel that shut down feeling, I have to CHOOSE what to do next. I may not be able to pick my first feeling, but I can pick the one after that.
Now sometimes I do mess up and I fall into that first feeling of shutting down and I do, and I can be difficult and stubborn. However, when I get it right I ask for some time, I take a walk, I get out of the house away from the situation, and I verbally say how uncomfortable I am and give a time frame based on that level of being uncomfortable. Shutting down has really never gotten a resolution other than a prolonged uncomfortable situation, and by communicating it really cuts down on that time spent in conflict.
