This Is My Name Part 5

Part 1:

My name is E. Not my whole name, but the rest is for my eyes only. That’s how people tell you their story. They tell you the main part..the shiny part that looks good on the outside but they tend to skip the details, the dirt, which is what I’m choosing to do with  my name. You may or may not get the rest of it as I give more details. I’ve recently been on a discovery of myself. And the deeper you get to know yourself, the more you find. I’ve found that for some time now I’ve been doing everything I can to get out of my head, but as I’ve chosen to go inside there’s much more going on in there than I’ve ever experienced in the outer world. I’m E, but there’s many parts that live inside of me. I think that’s why people can be so scary and wonderful because there’s a surface, and then there’s universes, different parts, darkness, secrets, epiphanies,  and light all woven into everyone. First, I'll show you the shiny surface, but you have to be invited to know the inner beings. 

Part 2:

Who’s E

E. Who is E? E is a mirror with a dream of revolutionizing into a rock solid stone. E holds in all the parts and is wrapped up like a bow. Her mirror essence was evident when whoever was in front of her was mimicked and matched to make the interaction as surface and safe as possible. Because when you’re made of glass, many things can make you crack so you have to be careful. The only layer E could see was hers and it was smooth sailing for her. She had it made and she had it easy, her path was carved out and handed to her on a silver platter. Change was a stranger to E and predictability was wrapped around her like a blanket. The safer the options the better. She had her whole life lined up, and the longer time went on there was an inverse reaction to time and comfort. A small feeling of “what the fuck” had been planted unbeknownst to E long ago. And time was the thing that was watering that seed until it was a full grown tree waiting to be acknowledged. 

This discomfort was introduced one bright(ish) day, when E looked in the mirror and saw absolutely nothing staring back at her. When you’ve always been a mirror for other people, what exactly is supposed to be staring back? E could feel her physical form but on the outside there was nothing but invisibility staring back. From there E discovered that the mirror had to break, and she would begin to pick up these sharp, tiny pieces and build on to her identity she was creating. 

However, when you’re riding on safety, picking up glass with your bare hands is a bold way to start. As E began, she carefully picked up a piece of glass, and very carefully picked up another, and oh so so carefully picked up another..until inevitably she picked one up that was too big and sharp and cut her finger and began to bleed. Interestingly, what she thought would be crimson red gooshing liquid coming out of her finger was far from what she was seeing with her bright green eyes. What came out from that first cut into self discovery after years of being glass, was one tiny single letter just popped out. 

Validally confused, E picks up the letter and admits she’s disappointed. She’s never bled before and wanted the full experience of the blood and the feelings and, oddly, even the pain. She’s never felt feelings or true pain before. She has simply been a beautiful, shiny mirror on display to whatever life told her to be, and now longed to feel what pain would feel like. Which may just go to show that feeling and emotions are just experiences relative to our life journey. When she began to think about the pain she should feel from this cut, she asked further, “Have I felt joy?” “Have I felt love?” “Have I ever felt sadness or anger”? And after the questions began stringing along, E realized something. She wasn’t alone anymore in her mirror state, someone had joined her. And that was L.  

Part 3:

Who’s L?

Commonly E heard, “you’re always in your own little world.” And that was because it got lonely in there, and with your head in the clouds anything can happen. But when the questions began rolling in, that's when L appeared in E’s world. L introduced herself to E and simply but eagerly asked “Who are you E?” To which E replied with a blank stare and silence. In an anxious panic E stumbled over to the pile of glass pieces of mirrors and frantically grabbed a piece of the mirror to look into the reflection for an answer. But still, she saw no reflection, just glimpses and pieces of other people. From all those years of hearing who she was, she had forgotten to make an identity for herself. And so she replied, “I’m no one, who are you?” 

L’s face lit up as she replied, “that’s wonderful you have so much to learn about yourself!” L formally introduced herself. L was the inquisitive voice with all the questions. She explained she had always been there, patiently waiting to pop in for her time to shine, but E had never asked any questions. She only accepted answers about her, so L could never give her impending wisdom of questions or answers. 

L invited E to where she lived and to E’s surprise, she had no idea her place even existed. L was anticipating their first discussion into building a bridge between E and L to begin the connection of who E was. 

L had been waiting for this moment her whole life, it was her duty and purpose. And when someone knows their duty and purpose, their direction comes naturally to them.  For L, the deep questions were all she knew..she couldn’t go surface level. She didn’t care about the weather, or about what someone was doing today, what was she to learn from that? L had spent decades experiencing E, and questioning interactions, decisions, and relationships and man she had some questions to push E right into the direction of identity of self. She was thrilled! 

Immediately L drops E with, “What do you enjoy?” silence.. “okay..Why do you choose to be more quiet?” silence… “uhh okay, “Why don’t you finish anything you start?” Hmmmm L thought, maybe I need to amp it up, she’s not saying anything. “Okay this is a good one, what is the foundation of the relationships you have around you?” no? Okay… “Why do you drink so much?” “what’s okay with you and what’s not?” “Are you doing anything important with your life?” “Why don’t you speak up for yourself?” “Why are you proud of yourself?” “Do you like yourself?” “What is a dark part about yourself” “oooo I know! Wh-

L was on such a role she hadn’t noticed E’s reaction to the questions she was asking. E was blankly staring into space with tears streaming down her face. L had adequately done her job of asking all the right questions, but had simultaneously broken E’s previously perceived rock solid foundation of life that she had all planned out. All of these questions interrupted knowing and predictability and led her to a place mentally she had never ventured. And now there she was in a whirlwind of questions with no map, no GPS, just E and the questions from L. 

In the midst of that isolated moment of a crumbling foundation, E fell to her knees and immediately experienced what she thought was the closest feeling to death, she fought it as much as she could. Desperately looking for something familiar, hoping to see something..anything in that old pile of broken mirrors that could guide her back to what once was. She picked up a piece of that old mirror in between the rubble of her old foundation, but as she hopefully looked into the mirror she still saw nothing in the reflection. This time with full intention she cut her hand on purpose. As she looked at that cut, to her surprise she began to bleed. It spilled out of the cut as if her body was crying for help as she dramatically mourned what she had known for so long. Beneath the blood she saw the letter Y and that is when she met a new member who brought something she had asked for earlier, pain. 

Part 4:

Who is Y?

L immediately jumped in asking, “Why would you do this to yourself?” “Did you really expect to see a difference when you have only remained the same” "Why would-” Y cut off L’s stream of thoughts and questions and walked over to E in the rubble of her past. L and Y work closely together, not well, but closely. Without L, you can’t have Y and vice versa. L brings in all the questions and Y brings in all the feelings. 

As Y approached E, she sat with her for a moment and explained how she worked. “Most people don’t like me when they first meet me, I never come alone and I never come without an agenda. I bring a lot of bags that we unpack together and you never really know what you’ll get in the bags I bring because the only way to truly unpack them with me is to learn to feel them as your own. I just bring them to you, but they’re yours to carry. 

I am working with L to be more in balance with me so it’s not so heavy with the questions that you don’t have time to go through the bags I’m bringing you. L has a fast radar and can fire a million questions out of passion and curiosity and it can make all the bags we have here take the backseat. But what I’ve found through my work is that they will remain here unopened taking up space until you see what’s inside. 

So I’ve brought you your first few bags to open, I never know what I’m bringing you. But you have to sift through each one and carry them until they aren’t heavy. I’ll be with you through everything, but let’s open your first few feelings. 

Y handed E a bag. The bag was light blue with butterflies on it, it was small but there were zippers on the edge which indicated it could be enlarged if needed. It was a silk material, with the letter E embroidered on the side in orange. The butterfly was light light pink with purple materials and looked like something a child would carry. 

Curious, E grabbed the bag as she felt a wave of a new feeling come over. As she opened the bag, she read the word “nostalgia.” In this bag E got to feel her new emotions. In the bag Y presented E with different paths of memories from when she was little. She showed her people she grew up with, shared stories, and shared items that carried E through childhood. Throughout the process of this bag, E got to experience her first real deep emotion. 

As E and Y neared the last remains of this bag, E began to carry that bag when L popped in. Bringing in questions from her childhood good and bad in hopes of these questions creating a sense of identity for her to use now. That’s how the process would work, Y would bring in the bag to go through it, E would carry it, and L would bring in questions. 

This process of feeling, reflecting, and carrying seemed to go on for what felt like years. Y always had a new bag..a new emotion to give me. L always had a question for a moment for reflection. And E had to make time for both, or they tend to pile up and get too big to carry. Some are bigger than others, some are easier than others, and some E had even been able to put down as there was nothing left in it to carry. 

One day Y walked in with a little red bag that E would never forget. It was suspicious because L didn’t chime in when she walked in with the bag. Y didn’t said anything and sat in front of E, and walked away. 

E opened the bag, and immediately felt “anger” “rage” and “disgust” as she unpacked the  events that occurred in the bag that had played a big role in keeping her empty, in the clouds, and a fragile mirror for longer than anticipated. There was one person to blame and E had to carry that bag for a long time. She cycled through hundreds of bags, carrying, feeling, and putting down..but this little red bag she continuously carried and refused to go though. 

One day, the bag was starting to get heavy and even L was starting to chime in and push for questions, but E would stop her before she could continue. As she took a look inside the bag, S popped in and introduced herself. 

Part 5:

Who’s S?

S took the bag from E, as L and Y joined them. L & Y didn’t have much to say because they had surprisingly never met S. E, L, and Y all sat staring at S and S simply stared back. After some awkward moments of staring, L announced this was weird and she was leaving the room. Much to her surprise, the door wouldn’t open and S softly smiles with an energy that read “you’re not going anywhere”. It sounds threatening, but it was more of a motherly look of you need to do this. 

E, L, and Y sat and balanced out thoughts, feelings, and self identity. And S never said a word, never allowed them to leave, and only had a presence that evoked conversation and deeper understanding. 

Days passed and S stayed. Months passed and S stayed. Years passed, and S stayed. Over time, E, L, and Y had developed a balanced movement of understanding one another. Not everyday was perfect, but a deeper understanding of who they all where, were they came from, and what they all wanted for each other had become clear as the time they spent together carried on. 

One day, E, L, and Y looked over at S and noticed something was different about her. She was making the first noise they had heard from her. All these years silence, and so incredibly curious who she was and what she was doing? 

tik tok tik tok tik tok is all they heard. 

And soon it was discovered that S was all about timing. The synchronous understanding, made S introduce herself and explained the only way for her to have a voice is in lessons learned on your own. I can’t guide you through the lessons, but I’m there to tell you when you’ve learned something valuable.

As her clock chimed for the first time, the door that was locked for years was opened by the final  letter, E.